Thursday, March 5, 2009


One of the predominant side effects of my pregnancy thus far is sleepiness. I am very blessed and grateful that so far in pregnancies I haven't had very bad morning sickness. But sleepiness I have. For a while there I was sleeping around 9 hours at night plus a 2 hour nap every day, and if I didn't get that I was just useless by 7:00 (I guess of all the pregnancy ailments you can have, this isn't so bad). I'm starting to feel a little more energetic which I am really glad about, because you just don't feel very productive when you sleep in your spare time. (I am 13 1/2 weeks, by the way.)

Being so tired, I just started feeling like I was living half-awake. And then I wondered, "Is this from pregnancy or am I just not really engaging in life?" I think it is probably a little of both. I read a devotional today (Morning and Evening by Spurgeon) and the verse was:

"Let us not sleep, as do others." 1 Thessalonians 5:6

How fitting! I love how God never fails to suprise me with how much he is NOT asleep and is very much aware of my life.

He writes, "Christians who isolate themselves and walk alone, are very liable to grow drowsy. Hold Christian company and you will be kept wakeful by it, and refreshed and encouraged to make quicker progress in the road to heaven."

I am pregnant and sleepy, but I also haven't made much effort to spend good quality time talking with friends on a deep level. I think I have isolated myself a bit and I didn't even realize it. Then this week an old friend called me and we went walking and just really talked and then at the end of our walk she prayed for me. It was so refreshing and good for my soul and I wondered "Why don't we do this more??"

Then last night after Bible Study I had a really great talk with a dear friend and I surprised myself by how much I shared with her and how much I really NEEDED to talk about some things. I guess sometimes I don't really even realize what I'm thinking or feeling until I talk about it...and lately I just haven't been doing much talking.

So early this morning (probably around 8:00) I got a phone call from another dear friend from Atlanta who I haven't talked to in many months. She said she was thinking about me so much this morning and usually she will pray for someone if they keep coming to mind, but in my case she felt she just had to call. I was so encouraged to just talk with her and to know that God had prompted her to call me. She was able to listen to how I am doing and give me hope that God can lift me out of it and it is really good to be honest with Him first.

I have been wrestling with feelings of anger over Joseph dying and then I feel guilty for being angry, which makes me just avoid God and really everyone. It's just overwhelming to have so many emotions, often conflicting, but then also to just go about everyday life as if life is normal. I guess I feel like I have been permanently maimed but nobody can see it, so I feel different but know I don't look all that different from other people.

All of it is enough to make me want to retreat into my own little world and keep everyone out...but I'm sensing God is nudging me out of that...keeping me from drowsiness. At first I thought, "I just need to really work on opening up and taking the initiative with friends," but then God took the initiative for me, as He always does. I still want to be intentional with talking more freely with God and with good friends about my feelings, but it was nice that He gave these little gifts this week.

I always want to be awake to the love of God, to his beauty all around me, and not become so distracted or dejected that it's like I'm living life asleep. Have you been refreshed and encouraged this week? I hope and pray so. And if not, I hope God will send a friend to brighten your day and remind you of His deep love for you, even while you are in the midst of deep sorrow and darkness.


Jason said...

we love you guys.

Jenn said...

From this post it sounds like you're quite far along? If you don't mind sharing, can we know your due date?

Anna Tester said...

What a wonderful thing to "wake" up to. Thank you. Gillian, I don't know how to pray for you as you keep walking but know that I am. xxxooo

Anonymous said...

Just what I needed today.I feel I have put myself on cruise control. With only 8 weeks left, I lack the inspiration to get up and at 'em. Thanks for the encouragement!

suzebab said...

Your words bring life!! Thank you friend. Always praying for you guy.

Love you,

Jessica Eves said...


I have followed Joseph and your family's blog for over a year now. I just feel goosbumps inside knowing that you are about to cherish another pregnancy. You and your family deserve nothing but the best and complete happiness. I hope your pregancy goes as smoothly as possible. I have been dealing with a couple big losses in my life right now, and when I think of them, I pray to your son in hopes that maybe they are all taking care of one another in heaven.
A Friend, Jessica

Brea said...

Wow, a powerful reminder that God really does know our hearts and needs. We are privileged to be His children and to experience His provision. Praying that He will continue to help you through anger and sorrow and bring you peace.

abbie said...

Beautiful words.
The blessing of community.
God is at work!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing. You are a brave, strong woman. Blessings.

Nana said...

This scripture came to mind after I read your post.Psalm139:11-12 "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,even the darkness will not be dark to You:the night will shine like day,for darkness is as light to you" God is always there.He never gets tired.He is our power source and He is your light.We love you Gillo.Mom and Dad and Davey

jody (atlanta) said...

What wonderful words, honesty, perspective for me to read this Sat morning. Connecting with friends can be such a gift from God. I do cherish my friends & confidants. I cannot wait for you to be closer since miss our talks and want to be physically and emotionally 'there' for you more. I love you so much Gill. Thinking of you always. Your ability to articulate your feelings and take God and your emotions to this deep level is truly an inspiration to me (more than you know). I love you so much. Looking forward to summer in Atlanta and spending TONS of time with Holly, you and Allen - and that growing miracle inside you. thanks for your post......


Jaime said...

Thanks for sharing. This realness in and of itself is refreshing. Much love and prayers, the loeffels

Sarah-Jane said...

You always make me cry. It is AMAZING that God ministers so much to me through you.
I love you so much

Randi said...

Hi Gill,
I feel a similar way about waking up to God. Yesterday, we had a brilliant blue sky (during New England winters, we do not get them often). I turned to my son, Nate, and asked him what color the sky was. He grinned so wide and yelled "Blue!"
God is so good. Love you guys!
Randi Booth

Audrey said...

congrats!! :)

susan and brian o'connor said...

Congratulations to you all, Awesome news. September is a good month!! love susan and brian

Mary Collins said...

Hey Gillian,

I am so excited to hear about your pregnancy...and so appreciated your thoughts on subtle isolation. I think sometimes I use my kids as an excuse to avoid deep relationships. Thanks for naming some of what I have felt for a while now. Oh, and by the way, I'm definitely going to be praying for you through out your pregnancy... because I'm almost exactly as far a long as you. I'm due in Sept. too! Just reached 17 weeks. Can really relate to the 'sleepy' thing. So rejoice with you about the baby. What a beautiful woman you are!

Mary Adcock Collins

Angela Satterfield said...

Hey Gillian,
I recently realized that I didn't realize how much energy goes into having a normal day. What I mean is that even though it has been almost a year and a half since my mom passed away, I am still grieving and I often don't realize it until I become really emotional. Being a mom requires putting family needs first and we often don't realize that we are worn down. I have found that going to my mother's grave every now and then allows me to release stress and emotion that I didn't realize I was carrying, and in a sense, I can leave it there and then return to my normal environment. I am glad you have felt encouraged and loved this week. Thank you so much for sharing yourself and being encouraging at the same time. love, angela

Q's NEWS said...

Hey you!

I loved your post but then again, I always do! And I am so impressed by your Etsy shop and especially the NAME of it - too cute!

You are never far from thought and always in my prayers! Don't be too hard on yourself, I think anger is actually a stage of grief and I would encourage you to visit this blog - - this family also lost a son to cancer and Heather's blog really touches me, as does yours. There was a little boy in our area, Ben Bowen who developed brain cancer and became famous in our area, which is where I discovered blogs and more blogs, etc. Isn't it crazy how we can all connect by the push of button but never meet? I am so glad I have "met" you and your precious family.

Love to you all,

Lamphier Family said...

We love you guys- you are always in our family "prayers". Congratulations on your pregnancy-