One of the predominant side effects of my pregnancy thus far is sleepiness. I am very blessed and grateful that so far in pregnancies I haven't had very bad morning sickness. But sleepiness I have. For a while there I was sleeping around 9 hours at night plus a 2 hour nap every day, and if I didn't get that I was just useless by 7:00 (I guess of all the pregnancy ailments you can have, this isn't so bad). I'm starting to feel a little more energetic which I am really glad about, because you just don't feel very productive when you sleep in your spare time. (I am 13 1/2 weeks, by the way.)
Being so tired, I just started feeling like I was living half-awake. And then I wondered, "Is this from pregnancy or am I just not really engaging in life?" I think it is probably a little of both. I read a devotional today (Morning and Evening by Spurgeon) and the verse was:
"Let us not sleep, as do others." 1 Thessalonians 5:6
How fitting! I love how God never fails to suprise me with how much he is NOT asleep and is very much aware of my life.
He writes, "Christians who isolate themselves and walk alone, are very liable to grow drowsy. Hold Christian company and you will be kept wakeful by it, and refreshed and encouraged to make quicker progress in the road to heaven."
I am pregnant and sleepy, but I also haven't made much effort to spend good quality time talking with friends on a deep level. I think I have isolated myself a bit and I didn't even realize it. Then this week an old friend called me and we went walking and just really talked and then at the end of our walk she prayed for me. It was so refreshing and good for my soul and I wondered "Why don't we do this more??"
Then last night after Bible Study I had a really great talk with a dear friend and I surprised myself by how much I shared with her and how much I really NEEDED to talk about some things. I guess sometimes I don't really even realize what I'm thinking or feeling until I talk about it...and lately I just haven't been doing much talking.
So early this morning (probably around 8:00) I got a phone call from another dear friend from Atlanta who I haven't talked to in many months. She said she was thinking about me so much this morning and usually she will pray for someone if they keep coming to mind, but in my case she felt she just had to call. I was so encouraged to just talk with her and to know that God had prompted her to call me. She was able to listen to how I am doing and give me hope that God can lift me out of it and it is really good to be honest with Him first.
I have been wrestling with feelings of anger over Joseph dying and then I feel guilty for being angry, which makes me just avoid God and really everyone. It's just overwhelming to have so many emotions, often conflicting, but then also to just go about everyday life as if life is normal. I guess I feel like I have been permanently maimed but nobody can see it, so I feel different but know I don't look all that different from other people.
All of it is enough to make me want to retreat into my own little world and keep everyone out...but I'm sensing God is nudging me out of that...keeping me from drowsiness. At first I thought, "I just need to really work on opening up and taking the initiative with friends," but then God took the initiative for me, as He always does. I still want to be intentional with talking more freely with God and with good friends about my feelings, but it was nice that He gave these little gifts this week.
I always want to be awake to the love of God, to his beauty all around me, and not become so distracted or dejected that it's like I'm living life asleep. Have you been refreshed and encouraged this week? I hope and pray so. And if not, I hope God will send a friend to brighten your day and remind you of His deep love for you, even while you are in the midst of deep sorrow and darkness.
