Friday, January 11, 2008

Radiation started

Quick update on the past two days. Joseph has started his radiation and is doing well. He has also started his chemo which is a little difficult to schedule because he has to have three hours without food. And he has to be without food for eight hours before radiation because he has to be knocked out for it. This is difficult for adults let alone a three year old whose appetite is already voracious due to steroids. The good news is that he is just a few days away from being completely tapered off his steroids, so very soon he will be down to his Tarceva (the chemo/biologic agent) and his anti-nausea medicine (he gets this during radiation). The radiation procedure is very quick, but because he cannot still completely still for 15 minutes he has to be put to sleep every day for it. They give him some Versed (sp?), which makes him sleepy and happy (and then they put him to sleep). This is really quite hard for us b/c after he gets the versed and before he is conked out he starts to act like his old self--silly, confident, funny, flirting with the nurses, teasing Mommy and Daddy, etc. It is a glimpse into his beautiful little personality that we all know and love. Ever since his first surgery and all the hospital visits and medicines he has to take he has become much more subdued and quiet, so his personality is a lot different now. We hope and pray that once some of the fear has subsided he will get back to being his old self.
He is already getting more comfortable at St. Judes, starting to play at the play tables in the waiting areas (at first he only wanted to sit in the wagon, or lie down in it and go to sleep). He goes to Occupational Therapy and he has shocked us by LOVING that; he pulls me down the corridor to go b/c he can't get there fast enough. I have learned that even a 2 year old can use scissors (something I never thought to give my kids), so Joe and I have been working on that at home. I'm still not sure I want to give them to Holly. I'll just trust the OT that she could do it. He basically draws lines with paint or crayons, plays with putty, strings beads, etc. It is to make sure he keeps his fine motor skills and stays on track with kids his age. He also does physical therapy, which he also enjoys. At first he would not participate in ANYTHING, so the fact that he will talk to these people and do what they are asking is huge.
I have also become a little more comfortable there and have ventured even to speak with other parents. It is neat to talk and share and hear what other people have been through. At first I was just getting my bearings, figuring out where everything was and how the place worked. I feel like we have become part of a club with very rare members and nobody wants to be a member. But it helps to know others are making it and how they do it. I know we couldn't make it without the many many prayers that are holding us up while we are on wobbly feet. Sometimes I will find myself singing a hymn of praise and I will think to myself, "Someone must be praying for me b/c I certainly don't feel like praising right now!" But then I am reminded of God's amazing presence and how it can be felt even through the darkest days and deepest pain, which I'm sure many of you can attest to.
In other news, Joseph (for the very first time EVER) went poopy on the potty today. I have never been so proud!! You would have thought he discovered electricity, my excitement level was so high. He has been potty trained (for pee pee) for over 5 months, but he absolutely refused to do number 2 on the potty. But, somehow Allen (who can get Joseph to do things I can't dream of) motivated him with a new car (which of course I've tried) and he did it, twice! Other good news is that Joseph is Daddy's boy again. He would not let me out of his sight for many weeks, but now he is starting to let Daddy back in and they are best buds again. This is a great joy for all of us, and it relieves a lot of pressure from me to do and be everything for him.
Okay, so this is not a "quick" update at all. Allen started this and I finished it, so I take responsibility for boring you all with toilet news. Please keep praying that this radiation will shrink the tumor and that the Tarceva will be very effective in stopping its growth. We are using the best that science has to offer but trusting God to make it work.

61 comments:

nana said...

HEY sHERIFF sALLY mAC AND lIGHTENING mCqUEEN guido (nana) here.I am pretty tired I had a big car race tonight 240 miles and tell lightening i won the tennessee cup.I got home in 4 hours despite travelling north on 65 I stopped for coffee and then went the wrong way and guess what sarah jane did the same thing!!we met up at exit 65 in munfordville for a quick hug and a tire change!! Allen what hymn were you singing??I was belting out wonderful merciful saviour Im glad it was just me in the car.Lightening McQueen pooping in the potty tell your Mom and Dad that deserves much more than a new car I think a trip to Disney world would be much more appropriate.Joe P you are the best boy in the whole world.I cant wait to see you next week!!!Lots of love and kisses GUIDO(NANA)AND OF COURSE gRANDAD AND UNCLE dAVE....PSGRANDAD AND DAVE ARE STILL WAITING TO BE CHRISTENED WITH THEIR NAMES!!!!!OVE YOU TONS AND TONS AND TONS

Allen said...

I wrote the first sentence of this post, so we didn't really share it. Gillian sings the songs around here. I support her with my vocal beat box.

nana said...

Iheard you singing the Thomas the Tank engine song last week!!!nice dance moves too!!!We need to get your guitar down to you so yall can sing..sleep sound in Jesus ..now thats a pretty nice song too ..thanks michael card.

So Blessed said...

Praying for your family...

susan said...

Dearest Gillian and Allen....Well, I must say that you cannot imagine how very hard it is for me to be here and you to be there....almost every day I have such a strong desire to simply put Ksusha in the car and drive to Memphis...just to serve you in any way possible.... clean the house, play with Holly, hang out with Joseph, encourage you both, anything. We so appreciate being able to get these updates. We are in much prayer. We pray you would feel the arms of the Lord carrying you; we pray He would be shrinking the tumor; we pray you would sense the Lord's unfailing love; we pray you would be given grace to enjoy the gift of each day. We love you with all our hearts. "He is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Doris Graham said...

Gillian and Allen, Pat and I are checking the blog daily and praying for you. Glad you have settled in but so sorry about the latest reports. Gillian, Pat has always had such love and respect for you and the way you work with others. I know you will be a light to those around you even in the middle of your darkness. May God continue to give you wisdom, faith and strength.

Chas and Catherine said...

I came in to work this morning hoping for a new update and was so happy to read the news about Joseph's latest "accomplishment". I loved the vulnerability you shared with us in today's post. Praying and trusting God to show up in mighty ways for you all.

Mary Vagnoni said...

Hi Sheriff,Sally, Mac and Lightening! Thanks for the great update. Sounds like you are getting great strength from your strong faith, wonderful family and many friends. Praying for continued strength both mentally and physically for your entire family,
Love from Philip, Mary, Orlagh, Valera and Anna

Anonymous said...

Goodmorning! Thanks for the new update...for telling us the big and small miracles that are going on daily. I guess there are really no small miracles...a miracle is a miracle. So, whether Joe is playing in therapy, allowing others to ask him to do something, sitting on the potty, or you, Gillian, singing a song...I thank God for hearing our prayers and allowing some moments of peace and joy to fill your soul. I pray that today you will be present in the moment.
"Tomorrow is the future, yesterday is the past, today is a gift...that's why it is called the present."
Tell Joseph and Holly that Mimi and Bid Daddy love them SOOOOO much...

Anonymous said...

Well, I meant to say Big Daddy, or as Holly calls him "Dig Daddy"
Enjoy the present of today....love Mimi

Wrights said...

we prayed for you at breakfast this morning. we continue to lift you up several times daily.
nathaniel, rebekah, anna walton and olivia

Laurie said...

It is so good to come here this morning as I do every day and see this great post. "POOP" is a big deal, it truly is and is not boring to those who wait for this day. And I can promise you that Joseph is still in there as always, the treatments only change the appearance for a bit, but when it is all over, Joseph will emerge in full force! I love this little guy and am praying for his complete recovery which is in Gods hands completely. Keep your eyes upon Him as many out here pray for Him to keep you in His perfect Care. Thank you so much for the update, it is good news. And I love that God puts songs of praise in your heart when you don't feel like it. He is reminding you of His love and faithfulness over all that is going on. Just go with it!:) Prayers for all of you to feel His peace every minute of every day. I support the "club" you find yourself a part of now. You will be blessed in that little corner of Gods special ones. He is right in the middle of it, you can count on it.

Love and continued prayers,
Laurie in Ca.

Ruthie said...

Gill, you truly made me laugh and smile with the potty update! I can't tell you how appropriate that was for me...we are in the midst of that battle as well! What an awesome thing to accomplish in the midst of such trying circumstances! I am checking your blog daily and praying for you guys. Thanks so much for the awesome and vulnerable updates. Love you! Ruthie

So Blessed said...

Praying for Joseph and all of your family...

sj said...

we are all so proud of you here in KY, Joe P. I can't believe I missed such an accomplishment. DARN!!!
Miss you guys....especially little Holly. I feel like someone is missing around here...at least some lips are missing. If I could draw..you would see what I mean.
Hope you are having fun with Lynn. Heard you got to Waffle house this a.m......that is great.
off to starbucks....I deserve a peppermint Mocha:)
not just a skinny vanilla latte today.

courtney said...

Way to go, Joe!!! It took us almost 8 months after Hannah was pee-pee trained to get her to poop on the potty. I was so happy, I cried- literally!! It's a major accomplishment and I am glad to say welcome to the club of potty-pooping preschoolers, Allen and Gillian!! Praying for more and more miracles every day....

Courtney

Lisa Allen said...

First of all, yippee that Joseph went poopy on the potty! What a milestone. As a mother of a 3 year old, I completely get what joy that brings. Our son still hasn't done that yet. :-) Praise the Lord for this little joy.

We are praying for Joseph to do well with the radiation and chemo. We'll be praying for him not to have too many side effects, and for him to get back to his old self again. I know it's sad, but also a joy to see a glimpse of his adorable personality. We pray you'll see more of that. What a blessing too that he loves occupational therapy. Thanks for sharing the ups and the downs. We are so sorry you are in your new "club", but we know God has a purpose in having you there. It sounds like you are in good hands at St. Jude's. We'll keep praying for all of you. Oh, by the way, Tripp loves scissors too. He got some "Safety Scissors" for Christmas and uses them all the time--sometimes on things I wish he wouldn't cut. :-)

Love, Lisa Allen

The Morreys said...

We're praying for you everyday, and Patrick will now say "I want to pray for Joseph" every night before he goes to bed. We're thinking of you a lot, and hoping for quick and wonderful results.

Sarah Partain said...

Hey guys--Thank you for continuing to update us. I know that at the end of the day,(when you just want to go to bed) the last thing you want to do is relive it, but it is great to have a window into your situation, so again, thank you. I am continuing to pray for you all and cannot imagine what it would be like to have to schedule feeding a growing boy around two different obstacles! And it's great that you've hit a milestone through all of this. Our milestones were Amos' weight gain, or just the fact that he was eating/nursing, so I know those little things are encouraging. You all are doing so well; God will give you what you need at each turn, just as he has done.

sym38 said...

I was so happy to read that little Joe is letting Daddy back into his life and that you have had some potty success!!! Please know that I am praying for your family and especially for God to heal Joseph of this wretched disease and for God to cover you with the peace that only he can give. If there is anything you need in addition to prayer, please make it known so we can help you. I would consider it an honor to help you in any way that I can. Love from West Virginia!!!!

Susan May

Boothe Farley said...

just know we are praying as we head to bed. we don't take it for granted that we are here, comfortably tucked into our homes and removed from the "club" you so articulately describe. life has a lot of "clubs" that have members who were forced to join. i've signed my name on the roster of several now. so i can appreciate that feeling of resigned comradery, the sensation that, well, if you're going to be in it, you might as well get to know some of the people who are in it with you. my prayer is that the Lord will continue to reveal HIs goodness and grace through those new relationships. none of us ever think we'll be looking at the walls of st. jude one day, much less watching our child endure such hardships. i pray you know that when you have those moments of strength, of clarity, of praise, you are indeed being carried in prayer and lifted up and that there are those out in the world who are willing to try and bear whatever burden they can in your place, even for just a second. you are loved.

conor and boothe

conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com

Craig and Gwen said...

Thinking of you guys this am - praying for Joe and for ya'll!!

Love!!!!
Gwen

Nana said...

Good morning Sheriff Sally Lightening Macqueen and Mac.Here is a funny joke that Eli told me this week and very appropriate poopy talk!!!!!"what did Tigger see when he looked down the toilet??Pooh!!!!!!!We love you tons and tons...Guido(nana)

Anonymous said...

Great news! Prayers continue.
love,
norma

amber said...

Wow! I have to say that it is a wonderful accomplishment that Joe went poo-poo for the first time in the midst of all that is going on! We are trying to potty train Jude right now and am amazed! Woo-hoo!
Just wanted to pass on that Andy and Emily Morris are praying for you in Indonesia. Em just emailed and wanted you all to know as she can't get the updates at their home but have been keeping up through Chip Hall. She also wanted to reccommend a book(if you ever get the time) that she has recently read by Mrs. E Prentiss called "Stepping Heavenward" (written in the early 1800's). She says that it speaks to the suffering that you are experiencing. They just wanted to let you know somehow that they are praying continually for you all.

We are too and will be praying that the tumor will shrink down to nothing as well as for the med to keep it from coming back. God Bless You! The Hess Family

Lysa TerKeurst said...

I am praying for Joseph right now.

I'll also have my ministry partners praying for you as well.

Lysa TerKeurst
Proverbs 31 Ministries

sj said...

I miss you all!!! Tell Holly that sup girl is coming back for more kisses and "Tankoos" (Thankyou). Tell Joe P that I'm coming and I will bring Eli with me...or whoever he wants me to bring.
I was thinking we need to figure out if there is a real Lightening McQueen around. wouldn't it be fun if we could find a car like that and have Eli and Will there and all the big boys could go for a ride in LIghtning McQueen..."No girls allowed"....maybe there is...
I"ll google it:)
love and miss you all
Allen..you do so sing...i heard a few tunes coming out of your lips...like the Thomas song...hmmm and Barney songs....don't be shy.

Chris&AnnMarie said...

Allen and Gillian,

My thoughts and prayers are with your family at this time. I also have a sick child, www.prayforcoy.blogspot.com, and know how deep your pain goes. Although we are in different situations, I can understand the agony you are going through. We will be praying for Joseph in Texas!

Ann Marie Kolkhorst

"Lord God, you are my stronghold in time of trouble. Help me and deliver me; deliver me from the wicked and save me, because I take refuge in you." Psalm 37: 39-40

Joann said...

praying for all of you..often

Emily said...

Gillian, thank you so much for keeping us updated. My heart goes up and down as I read about the setbacks and the accomplishments. I'm so glad you still have praises in your heart. I hope to send you a praise song with our prayers. We won't stop lifting all of you up to the Lord, and asking / pleading for complete healing. We love you guys. Happy Birthday, Holly! I know it's coming up.
Love,
Emily

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you all and wanted to let you know I'm praying for a peaceful night tonight and strength for tomorrow. Rest in Jesus!
Love, Mimi
P.S.Tell Joseph that Charlie and Shroder are a little jealous that Millie and Laney get to spend so much time with him and Holly!!

Nana said...

GUido here again.Im ready for my car trip tomorrow.Tell Sheriff no tickets if Im speeding it only because im in a hurry to see my car buddies Lightening Mcqueen Mac and Sally!!Sarah jane read your email and call me..love from Guido (nana)

Anonymous said...

Goodmorning! Woke up with you on my heart. I am getting ready to go to school, but wanted to let you know that my class will be praying for you today. I pray that today will be a good day for all of you and that you will find joy today as you go to St. Jude, the park, the store, wherever you go...
Love, Mimi
Through each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life. Psalm 42:8

Lizzi said...

Al & Gill--

I was so encouraged to read this post b/c it sounded like you two being your normal selves, which I'm sure it no small feat in the midst of these trials. Tony and I were talking this weekend about how much fun y'all are and how we miss seeing you.

Amber/Hess Family--Stepping Heavenward was our last book club book in ATL (I think Gillian was the one who recommended it)...just pointing this out because I'm amazed at how God prepares His children for the valleys He leads them through...Gillian, the fact that Gillian have already read this book and have long before learned the hymns you find yourself singing now are a testimony to His faithfulness: He knew you'd need them now.

Praying for God to use the brilliance of the folks at St. Jude to heal Joe and bring glory to Himself....

We love you guys so much.

Love,
Lizzi & Tony

Lizzi said...

Sorry for the grammatical mistakes in that last post...I didn't have Gillian around to proofread it for me! :)

Chloe said...

gill, i'm sure you have all this stuff already, but i sent lightening an attachment to your facebook mail. hope you're doing well. love chlo. xxx

Anonymous said...

We continue to pray for Joseph and your family. As you said, God is with you.

Anonymous said...

We praise God for the little encouragements along the way. And we fervently beseech Him for His hand to continue to minister to Joseph.
- Ange

Margaret said...

Yeah for the Poopy! Watch out. Matthew learned to ration it out to 3 x/day = 3 treats/day for a couple of days. Now we have "Mommy, come watch me!" and "ohh, that was a big one"... I'm so glad that Joe enjoys the OT. We are also working on scissors and drawing. I have to remind Matthew that our scissors are only for paper and art projects and only Ms. Susie's scissors are for hair. I'd like to be the first one to give Sarah a haircut, not Matthew. :) So anyway, OT sounds a lot like preschool to me. It sounds like you are settling into routine and I am SO happy that Joe will let Allen help more. Even a 15 minute break will help you recharge. I've been praying for you to meet some other parents who can better understand your experience and I know that you will give them so much support and faith sharing too. Aside from the medicine/doctors, I believe that is a huge benefit to being in Memphis. I'll continue to pray that you build bonds with drs and parents there to give you strength and hope.
Much love, Margaret
And Matthew says to tell Joseph congrats and he will save some of his trick or treat candy for him going poopy.

Jody (atlanta) said...

Sounds like eventful couple days. Thanks for keeping us updated on the many aspects of your life. Your candor, vulnerability, and sharing the ups and downs is so appreciated. CONGRATS to Joseph on the poo poo and the OT (sounds like he doing great). I am so glad to hear he re-connecting/best buddies with his daddy again. You all need to find some moments (however few) to re-charge and give yourself some time for you. We miss you terribly here in Atlanta...Matthew and Abigail were playing in our backyard yesterday and my heart was heavy for not having Joseph there with them. Abigail keeps asking when Joseph can come over to her new house and make a mess. It does sound like you all are in great hands there and glad you meeting/connecting with fellow families. Give Holly a hug from us also....I miss her big kisses!!!

LOVE YOU TONS!!!! Jody

Kara said...

Prayers in OK going up today for your family!

kara
sahm22boys.blogspot.com

Christy said...

I'm sitting here trying to imagine what would happen if I gave Andrew sissors. He desperately wants them when he sees them - I'm sure it would be loads of fun! Maybe we can set up some Jofus/Holly/Andrew sissor fights when you get back ... fencing Atlanta style.

Love to you all.

Jean Joiner said...

So glad that Joseph will be done with the steroids soon. We'll be praying that he Tarceva will do it's work.

I'm happy to read about some of the good things that are happening amongst the hard things. We are continuing to lift you guys up in prayer daily. Thanks for the comment you left on my blog. :)

Love you guys!
Jean

freshtopia said...

Hello, Oscar Grimm here. I was diagnosed with GBM about 11mo ago. I'll make it quick since I’m just getting back from 3.5 weeks traveling over the holidays. I had an MRI on Dec 10 and it showed significant tumor shrinkage, after 7mo of no conventional (American) treatment.
I've studied and learned a lot in the last year, and am now (aside from some residual right-sided weakness from surgery) feeling better than I have felt in roughly 20yrs. I’m learning a lot about all this mess, and am happy to share what I’ve learned. If you'd ever like to share research, or even just chat, please do feel free to give me a call or email. 510.922.1900
Health and Happiness to you. The mind is an amazing machine,
Oscar

Wrights said...

Our small group prayed for your family last night.
Nathaniel, Rebekah, Anna Walton and Olivia

Céire Martinez said...

allen, gillian, joe and holly...

still in my thoughts and prayers. let me know if you need anything, i'll give you a call later in the week gill, and maybe i can visit if it works into your busy days.

love, céire

becky b said...

All of us are praying for you guys and Joseph daily - You are on our hearts constantly. Our God is a very big God so we hope.
Love you, Becky & Kevin and kids

Lauren Klein said...

Dear Gillian-- though I haven't written in a while I have not stopped thinking about you and your family. I'm glad to hear joseph is responding well to his therapy. Despite the great difficulty of this situation it is so nice to know that you find comfort in Joseph's accomplishments and personality. It is a blessing to take notice of the good things in life when such sad things are happening at the same time. Congrats to Joe P. and his #2! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Praying for sleep for everyone tonight. Give big hugs and kisses to everyone from Big Daddy and Mimi. We love you all and miss you!

Anonymous said...

I loved hearing about the potty time. I am so proud of Joseph!!!! Each little part of your daily news and progress makes me feel closer to you guys and pray harder for you, even in the the little things and to pray more often. My heart jumps for joy at hearing that Joseph and Allen are "buds" again. That has to be the "best" for both of them. And that you, Gillian, can rest a little more and not feel sooo indispensible. God is sooo good in soo many big and little ways. I love that you are getting glimpses of his true personality and I am praying that that will come back and be seen all the time. I am so happy you are feeling freer and able to interact with the other parents there and share stories about your precious little ones. I hate that you have to be a member of that "club", but know that God will use you guys in that "hard-to-be-a-member-of-club", too.

Praying constantly. I love you. Liz Iverson

susan and brian said...

Just thinking about you and hoping that you are having a restful night and that tomorrow will be a good day for all of you. Hope Nana Guido is down there with you and that fun is being had by all. Keep up your good spirits, you are fantastic!!

Anonymous said...

Goodmorning! I am praying that you have a good day today. I pray that God will continue to strengthen Joseph and that he will feel more and more relaxed as he is goes through all the things St. Jude has him do today. I know you are loving having Guido there to be with you. I am leading devotions this morning for the school, and we will be praying for all of you. Love, Mimi

MAGIRK said...

I found you through Missy's blog It's Almost Naptime.

My prayers are with you and your family.

Catherine Tighe said...

Hoping and praying that the treatment works. Lots of love, Catherine, Barry, Sean and Arun xxx

Lynn T said...

Hello Gill, Allen, Joseph and Holly,

I miss you all so much! I smiled today thinking of Joseph laughing at running his battery operated train into us all. So sweet to see him find immense joy in that! I have thought of you all morning and am praying for today to go well. I miss Holly too and our little outings. This morning Will put a photo of he and Joseph on the front of his school folder. He showed it to his teacher and buddies right away.
Lots of love,
Lynn

Jennifer said...

I had a great time hanging today. I love how much Joe loves WK. It was fun to be around him and watch him laugh and squeal at Allen's Thomas the Train "wrecks" on the track... Pretty proud of poopy on the potty too!! Hey, anything for a T. the Train sticker, right? Love on the dogs for me. I didn't even go tell them hi. Yikes. Man, they need Holly back to entertain them!

Salenia Turner said...

I'm praying for your family...your trust in our Lord in the midst of this storm amazes me. We will continue to lift you up!

Lynn T said...

I'm glad you had a good day with Jennifer and WK. I hope you all have a good evening.

Sleep well and goodnight.

Love you,

Lynn
Gill, check your voicemail. Message for Joe from Will.

Anonymous said...

Hello from Mimi. Just letting you all know that I am thinking about you and asking God to continue to give you all peace and laughter and rest. One of my 3rd graders led the prayer during worship this morning for the upper grades and he had everyone praying for all of you, he said everyone's name, and asked that Joseph would sleep well and that you would too. Another one of my students has prayed this week during our lunch time that, "if Joseph is having lunch right now I pray that it is a good one and he's happy." Sweet prayers from little hearts.
Love you lots!!

Nana said...

Goodnight from Guido and Mac..We went on a car ride to the zoo today Holly loved the meercats the yellow and black frogs they were tiny but she spotted them,and the ostrichs.When we were looking in the big fish tanks holly suddenly exclaimed Nemo!!!These kids from a school outing all rushed over to the tank and Holly pointed out Nemo11We all laughed She thought the snakes were yucky!!Well we got home and we both napped!! This afternoon Holly was in the funniest humor she talked to one of the dolls for about 2o minutes I would love to know what she was saying but she definetely entertained Guido.By the way Sally the doll she had the long conversation with is the Ballet doll with the hair..the one she usually pulls her hair!!So Holly and Ballet doll are now best buds she went in the crib with her tonight!!.Tomorrow morning HOlly has a playdate with Anna Babcockinthe morning at our house.Ater nap Holly will go to MIMIs while Im with my d group girls.Grandad is planning something fun to do with Guido and Mac on Thursday its a surprise.Lightening Macqueen we miss you tons and tons..it was great to see you yesterday..you are the bravest boy in the whole world..we love you tons and tons too..Sleep sound in Jesus Sheriff Sally and Lightening Macqueen .Nana Holly David and Grandad

Anonymous said...

Great news about the potty thing. My little girl just turned 4 and has only been trained with #2 for about 2 months. Take the milestones as they come and rejoice in them.
I'm praying for your Joseph and all of you.
Strength in the Lord!