Held

4 years was too little. We let him go. We had no sudden healing. To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling. You know the rest of the words. They have been resounding in my head for the past few weeks. I feel the Lord gave me that song as a comfort but also a gentle preparation for the future. Sometimes as I listened I would just weep, other times feel immense joy and peace. Now I just feel sadness. Sadness at death and loss and that we will miss him so much it hurts. I already do miss him...his sweet personality, his great love, energy, radiance. I truly do feel special that God chose me to be his mommy.

I have always felt an impulse to tell Joseph how proud I am of him. When he was born and I got to hold him for the first time, those were the words that kept rolling off my lips. "I'm so proud of you, Joseph. You did such a good job." It felt a little strange to me, but I felt like the words were not really coming from me...that God wanted me to say this to Joseph. Even as he grew up, I always sensed that he loved encouragement and it spoke volumes of love to him, more than a hug or a kiss. He longed to please, to do the right thing, to make mommy and daddy happy. Today as he was holding on to life with a thread, I sensed I needed to tell him what a good job he was doing. "I love you, Joseph. You are doing so great. I am so proud of you. Just relax and go to Jesus. Mommy is here with you." I think he was holding on, maybe not sure if he was failing us somehow by letting go. But the hospice nurse said they can hear everything, so I was more sure I wanted to tell him how great he was doing. Allen sang him his favorite song, "The fox song," (by Nickel Creek) then I told him his final "Target story" and he went to his final rest as I was telling him that story. As gruelling and heartbreaking as his last few hours were, those final moments were nice and I did feel he was at peace and went very peacefully.

Now we are left with the pain, the memories, the knowledge that there will be no soccer games, no first day of school, no more cars and trains strewn all over the house. Oh, how I will miss that. How I will miss being needed. He has been my job, my responsibility for the last four years. My life has been devoted to raising him, loving him, teaching him, being there for him, protecting him. Even after he died and he was lying back there on our bed, I felt the need to be with him as others said goodbyes. He always wanted me with him and I felt I needed to protect him and make sure he was all right with people coming in. I feel like my other half is gone. He has been my constant companion. I always felt like he needed me so much, and sometimes I wished he didn't. Now I realize I need him too.

I am very thankful for Holly. She is a bundle of joy and delight, and has kept me laughing and dancing in the midst of this intense pain. God in His wisdom gave us Holly at just the right time, and she is His gift to us that I know will keep us from falling into despair. These verses have been on my heart last night and today: "Behold I am with you always, even unto the end of the age," and John 10:27-29: "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand." This last verse, all I could remember was that "no one can snatch them out of my hand," so I looked it up and found the whole passage so comforting. At a time where my feelings betray me, God's Word is giving us great hope.

We are still working on the details of Joseph's memorial and funeral, but we are hoping it will work out to do a memorial on Sunday afternoon/evening and have the funeral on Monday. We will definitely post when we know for sure. Thank you all for your kind comments...they truly have been a great comfort and encouragement.