This week last year

Well, it has been a year now since we found out Joseph had a brain tumor. It was this week last year, Thanksgiving was over and we had come home to Atlanta. All week Joseph had this strange head tilt that kind of came and went. He was always so quirky that I just attributed it to him being silly or something. I honestly was not worried one bit about it. He also had been a bit off balance, but that also didn't worry me since he was always a little clumsy. I could tell Allen was worried but was trying not to show it. He had checked his eyes to see if he had a reflex and his left eye did not blink at all when he flicked his finger in front of it. When he showed me that I became extremely worried. We took him to the pediatrician who was not sure what was going on, but referred me to an opthamologist. I was planning to bring him there on Thursday. But on Tuesday night Allen came home from work early (he was supposed to work all night at the hospital) and said his attending doctor recommended we bring Joseph in first thing the next morning for an MRI. I was pretty worried at this point, but Joseph was so happy and normal in so many other ways that I just couldn't comprehend that anything serious could be wrong.

That afternoon, before Allen went in to work, I had gone to Starbucks (something I did regularly whenever Allen was home and I needed a breather) and called my sister while I had some coffee. I was relaying to her what was going on and that we were going to take Joseph to the opthamologist. At this point I don't think we had decided to take him for an MRI. Anyway, about halfway through my conversation, a sweet lady who had been sitting beside me got up to leave. As she walked by, she dropped a little note onto the table and smiled at me. It read "I will be praying for your son." I couldn't believe it. It stunned me that I had been speaking that loudly (oops) for her to hear everything, and that what I had said prompted her to pray. This was my first inkling that something was wrong. I just felt it.

The next morning, we woke up the kids at 6:00 and headed to the E.R. While Joseph was in getting his MRI, I received a phone call from our dear friend B.J., who was calling to see if I would check in on his wife, who had recently lost her baby. I wasn't going to tell anyone we were in the hospital until we knew what was going on, but I felt like I needed to explain why I couldn't call to check on my dear friend who needed me. I think he was on his way to work, but he said, "I'm coming right over there. I know Allen is going to tell me not to, but tell him I'm coming." I realized at that point how scared I was, because I really was grateful he was coming to offer us some moral support. I had a feeling our world was about to come crumbling down and neither of us were prepared for it. I remember both Allen and I saying, "But it could be nothing; We'd hate for you to come all the way over here for no reason." But, God must have given him insight as well, because he came right over and waited with us.

When they wheeled Joseph back into our little waiting room, he was still asleep. I remember feeling like I might be sick. Then the doctor came in, who happened to be a man whose child Allen had taught when he taught 5th grade. We had house/babysat for their family when they were out of town and they had gone to our church for a while. We were so thankful to have someone we knew and trusted to give us this news. I still remember it as though I was watching someone else. The words were registering in my head; I could comprehend what he was saying--it just didn't seem real. How could there be a large mass in Joseph's head? How could it "probably be cancer"? How did they know that? I remember saying, "But, he's so little." Cancer happened to older people, not to children, not to my child. Then a few moments later I went outside to get some fresh air and cry.

Those few days, while horrific, were also such encouraging and sweet days. We could never have expected this news, but we also could never have expected the outpouring of love we received from friends and family and the community at Emory. Joseph got balloons and stickers, toys, treats, McDonald's, Moe's, cars, trains, all his favorite things. I still remember when all the aunts and uncles and grandparents showed up at his hospital room that he probably felt like he was the most special child in the world. Everyone was there to see him and love him and make sure he had everything he needed. We are so thankful for all the many, many people who served us and loved us and supported us during that critical week (and the ensuing months).

I recently read an article about a family in Ireland who lost their son to a brain tumor. They had no indication that he was seriously ill. They thought he had gotten a stomach bug, and after a few days of him not getting better they took him into the hospital. He went into a coma that day and died from the tumor that had grown so big without their knowledge. After reading that article, I realized how that could have been our story. If Allen had not noticed the serious issues with Joseph and if the doctors at Emory had not taken him seriously and gotten us in there quickly, we could have bounced around from opthamologist to neurologist before anyone thought it might be a brain tumor. There are so many people I have met at St. Jude's who said it took them months to figure out their child had cancer. I think in our case we wouldn't have had months and it would have been too late. So, I'm so thankful the Lord gave us 9 more months with him and that we got to see him grow up some more, really enjoy life and really enjoy spending time with grandparents and cousins and our family that loved him so much.

So, this Thanksgiving I'm thankful for my family I have here with me. I'm thankful for the four wonderful years of life I got to spend with Joseph and all the wonderful and special memories we have with him. I'm also thankful for the many ways God supported us and provided for us throughout this journey. I can honestly say I'm not scared of much anymore. Well, I guess I don't fear things as much because I feel like if we can get through this, then we can probably get through other things. To say I miss him just doesn't cover it. But his life has influenced me and Allen and Holly, and our family will always include Joseph. He is always on our minds and in our conversation and we regularly quote "Josephisms." Holly still imitates him and wants to be like him. I hope that never changes.

I'm still processing everything that has happened. One thing I'm learning, though, is that it really is best to be thankful for what you have. It can always go away. I could be bitter and angry that I don't have Joseph anymore, but what would that do for anyone? I have Holly, a wonderful husband, a sweet new doggy, an absolutely amazing family, and the sweetest friends in the world. I really am blessed. I think we all are in different ways. We just don't always recognize it.

What We've Been Up To

We have a new member of our family, a cute little beagle we have named Kellogg. My mom found her on the side of the road on the way to dropping David to school. It looked like she hadn't eaten in weeks and had no collar or tag, so my mom had pity on her and took her home. She then called me to tell me she had found Holly's dog. A flea-ridden half-starved dog. Just what we always dreamed of. :) But then I met her and she was the sweetest little dog, very scared but really sweet and loving. When I looked at her, I thought, "This is our dog, and her name is Kellogg." Don't ask me why.

We have been contemplating getting a dog for the last few months, so this seemed like the perfect opportunity. We took her to the vet and got her fleas and worms (uggh) taken care of, so now she is fattening up and looking healthier every day. If only we could get her to pee outside, she would be the perfect dog. She is really patient with Holly treating her like a baby doll and so far has been extremely gentle. And I think Holly gets competitive with her and gets jealous if I'm giving her too much attention. It is really funny. They have even started to fight over toys. Holly has a care bear that talks, and Kellogg is either scared or very excited by it, but still loves it. Well, we had a big fuss over it tonight and we had to resort to "taking turns" between the dog and Holly. Oh boy. It's good for Holly to have a little playmate, though, and she absolutely adores her little puppy (who is actually 3 yrs. old).

Speaking of potty training (the dog), I have decided to add to the craziness and try to potty train Holly once and for all. This is the week. I am a big wimp and basically put off potty training until they are practically asking to be potty trained. Holly has been asking why she can't wear the underwear that has been sitting in her drawers for months now. She can definitely use the potty and has been for a while, but things have been so crazy, it was just the last thing I wanted to do. But now it's time (I think). She asked again tonight if she could start wearing underwear so we are going to really focus on it this week.

Holly has been taking a little "Mommy and Me" gymnastics class once a week and has just been loving it. Her favorite thing is the trampoline, but this last week she got to swing on the rope and she got really excited about that. She is good at all the activities, but she has exceptional arm strength, so hanging on bars and ropes are her forte. This is her waiting for her turn to swing on the rope. You can see the glee.

This is Halloween. We had a really sweet flower costume for her but all she wanted to wear were Joseph's Thomas pajamas. Last year Joseph was Spiderman (in pajamas) so I think she may have wanted to be like him. She looked adorable either way and people still gave her candy even if they weren't too impressed with the costume. :) Here is a picture from last year's Halloween. You can see the similarities:

How we missed him this Halloween. It just wasn't the same without him there to lead us in running from door to door. My heart still wrestles with believing he is really gone. I know Holly is struggling to grasp it. She is finally telling us that she misses him, and if I say I miss him too, she will quickly say, "Me, too." We are so thankful for Holly. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have her little voice and face to light up my day. She definitely has her "terrible two" moments and days, but I'm even thankful I have her here to drive me crazy. It is a privilege to be able to raise one of God's creations. I just pray constantly that He will give me wisdom and grace to teach her and guide her the way I should.

Big Success!

Kate Etue made these delicious, creative pies--for Obama and McCainMerridees donated 15 pies, which got snatched up quickly!
Some friends stopped by for cupcakesThis sweet girl sold her Halloween candy so she could make a donation. Yes, she SOLD her Halloween candy for childhood cancer research.
Just a sampling of the many, many goodies that were lovingly baked for this sale.

This handsome guy stopped by to set up and break down tables and man the table.

Special thanks to Katy, Amanda, and Em'ly, who mailed goodies from afar. Thanks Mom, Kathy, Jennifer, Katie, and Kellie for helping with organizing and finding a location. And special thanks to Ruthie, Penny, Katie, Jennifer, and my hubby for manning the table and providing moral support. We had so many people stop by and were really shocked at how much we were able to raise for childhood cancer research. Thank you to everyone who contributed in any way, whether it was baking or coming by to get some goodies. I really had a lot of fun doing this. The organization, Cookies For Kids Cancer, was hoping to have 50 bake sales in 50 states on election day, so we were able to provide the Tennessee one. I hope that all of us raised lots of money to help with research for childhood cancer. I think I can request that our funds go directly to brain tumor research, which would be awesome!

It was a really amazing day. God gave us a perfect day, sunny and warm (I even got sunburned in November), and a beautiful location in Westhaven. We got to meet lots of people and be a part of the fun of election day, too.

Bake Sale

We have a location for our bake sale!! It will be in Westhaven neighborhood in Franklin on election day, Tuesday November 4th. We will be there from 10-2 and possibly at 5:00 again if we still have goodies. Holly and I had fun shopping in Michaels for some fun boxes and baggies for goodies (and we might have left with some candy corn and birthday candles that weren't necessarily on the list). Holly has been slightly fixated on her birthday, which is still several months away, and we have daily conversations on what the theme will be and what we will eat, etc. So, the birthday candles were for her birthday cake that I won't be making until, oh, February. And come to think of it, I think we also have princess plates that we bought in August, also for her birthday.

We have been having a nice few weeks with lots of visitors. Our friends Margaret and Matthew and Sarah came in for a visit from Atlanta; cousin Will was here, then Deacon; then this last weekend all my family came in town to celebrate my Dad's sixtieth birthday. As Sam put it, we are all thankful for sixty years of Billy Taaffe. I think Joseph inherited my Dad's passion for life and love of people, two things that made Joseph so special. We love you, Daddo!

We have been doing okay...this month last year is etched in my memory because it was the month before everything starting falling apart. I can still remember taking the kids to a pumpkin farm with the Slotkins, our playgroup Halloween party, the nursing home to trick or treat, and just enjoying the fall weather. We have some great pictures and great memories, but it makes this season bittersweet. I guess this is the first "holiday" we will have without him, the first of several in the next few months.

The first time we took Joseph trick-or-treating (he had just turned 2), we started out walking through a neighborhood in a little parade with lots of other children and parents. When the parade finished he thought that was it. But when we starting going up to doors and getting candy, his face had that blissfully shocked look and he could not believe people were just giving him candy. He started racing from door to door. It is the fastest we had ever seen him move. At first, he thought he had to eat each piece as he received it, but we finally got him to put it in his pumpkin and save it for later. The next day, he woke up and wanted to do it again that night. He didn't understand why we couldn't just do this every day. I had fun imagining all of us dressing up and walking around saying "trick or treat!" on a random night in November. I think people might have had pity on us and given us some leftover candy, right?

So, we are still missing him and thinking about him a lot. Last week I was having a really hard week and I realized how powerless I am to make myself feel better or even do the things that usually make me feel better (spending time with God, reading, etc.). I started thinking about how God wants us to come to Him as we are, with all of our pain and hurts, not as we think we ought to be. That is my biggest struggle. I really want to come to God and say "Look, aren't you proud of me?" But I have been feeling so un-proud of myself and just down in the dumps that I really can't do that anyway. So, I am trying to invite God into my pain and painful thoughts. If I start to go down a road that I know will end in me sobbing, I just ask God to redeem this sobbing. To take my tears and somehow make them beautiful or healing. I know that sorrow is not wrong, but I have a feeling that if God is not redeeming it it can easily become bitterness or resentfulness, which I really don't want. It even helps in thinking about some of the more painful times, like in the hospital after surgeries and thinking about times when Joseph just wasn't feeling well. I have been asking God to travel back with me in those thoughts and not let them become a source of guilt or depression. So, if you think of it, please join me in praying that.

I hope you all are getting to enjoy some of this fall weather. There is something so cheerful about a pumpkin. We have two big pumpkins on our front porch and every time I drive up and see them I just smile (thanks, Nana!). Happy Fall, everyone. Drink lots of cocoa and don't forget to come by our bake sale for some yummy desserts next Tuesday.

Normal Life

I have to confess something to you. I'm a little more uncomfortable with this blog now because all we have to write about is how we are doing, not about how Joseph is doing. It was originally set up to update family and friends on Joseph's condition, but it became a place to write to friends and receive encouragement and support. This blog became our best friend, in a very odd way. But now that Joseph is gone I don't have the comfort of writing about how he is doing, what we are doing together, upcoming appointments, etc. Life seems very bland now, like anything that is going on is not worthy of writing on the blog about. Life is back to "normal," but a very strange normal. It became normal to have to administer medicine several times a day, to be constantly on the alert, to have doctors' appointments schedule more often than we enjoyed. And we felt we were living on borrowed time so every day was a great celebration that we had another day with Joe. Now our normal is still not normal, because we now have only one child in our house, we are all of a sudden in a new city (which somehow I didn't process until now), and we had sorta gotten used to the other crazy normal.
Every day I sort of expect things to be different--like maybe today I won't be as sad, maybe this was all a bad dream and he will come back and things can go back to normal, maybe it won't feel so empty and wrong everywhere I go. Joseph was so much a part of me--he formed me as a mother, and he was always a part of my conversation with others, a part of what made our family "our family." Now it just feels like we are waiting. Hoping that something sudden and happy and exciting will happen, something to make this sadness and awful grief go away. I know it will be with me for a long time, but I feel like I should be acting like a normal person and I should be able to go to the grocery store without tearing up when I see his favorite juice boxes or the toy aisle where we desperately searched for "choo choos." I have this crazy urge to tell random people that I have a son and he died and I'm not just a normal person having a normal day.
I've never experienced missing someone this much, either. Allen and I took a week-long vacation right before he started residency and the grandparents graciously watched Holly and Joseph. It seemed like a great idea, but by the end of the week I missed them so much it hurt. It just didn't seem right to be away from them and I couldn't truly enjoy the trip b/c I wished we had brought them or had made the trip a little shorter or something. It was a wonderful time with hubbie but I think that trip made me realize how much a part of me the children were. It wasn't as easy to "check out" and just leave them behind as I had thought. Anyway, this feeling feels like that times a thousand. All of the knowing that he is in heaven and in a better place doesn't make this feeling go away. It's definitely a comfort and I am thankful he is in the best and happiest place he could be, but like I said earlier I just want to be with him and be his mommy again.
I read this verse today and it reminded me that God can do the impossible:
"and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor."
I am praying that God would make this a reality in our lives and that we wouldn't let the sadness and grief overwhelm us completely. Thanks so much for your faithfulness in caring for our family and for praying for us throughout this whole journey.
Also, THANK YOU to everyone who has emailed me to offer baked goods for the bake sale. I am totally overwhelmed with all the people who have responded with such enthusiasm. I even have two kind women who are shipping goodies from across the country! And our friends over at Veggie Tales are contributing some DVDs of "The Ballad of Little Joe" (which was made a few years ago and is about facing hardship). Still working on a location but will post that once we have it...

Cookies for Kids with Cancer

I have always loved bake sales. From the time I was a wee one, just the sight of a pretty table filled with all kinds of sweet sugary goodness set my heart a-flutter. In fact, one of the only pictures we have of me as a toddler (I am the third of five children--need I explain?) is one where I am standing in front a table of goodies (at a wedding, maybe?) with my finger reaching for some icing or treat.
So, when I was asked if I'd be interested in hosting a bake sale for "cookies for kids cancer" I was very eager to help out. Not only will we be raising money to support childhood cancer research, but we will all get to enjoy a treat on election day. So, the bake sale will be on November 4, election day, and the location is yet to be determined. Here is the website where you can read some really interesting statistics and learn more about this great organization:
http://www.cookiesforkidscancer.org
I'm going to need some help filling our table with cakes, pies, cupcakes, cookies, muffins, and Joseph's absolute favorite--brownies!!, so if anyone out there would like to bake something to contribute to the sale, please email me. I'm very excited about this, and I know Joseph would be too. I think he and I were tied on how much we liked sweets.
Once we know where we are going to be able to have the bake sale, I'd like to invite all of you to come by and sample some goodies while we participate in electing our new president.
On a much sadder note, there is another little boy who has been battling a brain tumor for just over two years. He is such a sweet, brave boy named Aidan, and he will likely be going home to meet his Savior and play with Joseph in the next week or so. We are really saddened by this as we have grown to love him as we've kept up with his blog. Please pray for his family or sign their guestbook to let them know you care: http://www.whynotaidan.com/
All of your notes and comments were so encouraging to us in those final days with Joseph and I know they would appreciate an encouraging note. Thank you!

A good trip

We had a really nice time at the beach. We are so thankful the Moessners agreed to come with us, as we loved the company and Holly loved having little friends to play with. There were moments of sadness for me, but overall I just enjoyed the beautiful weather, gorgeous sunsets, and having the beach practically all to ourselves. We also played my favorite game "Boggle" almost every night and stayed really late like we were in college again. What a blessing to have good friends!

The unexpected hard part for me has been coming home. It was really emotional for me coming back into the house, because the last time we all returned from a trip was our last trip to Memphis, the day Joseph died. All those emotions just rushed back and in some strange way I feel like I'm experiencing those first days all over again.

I've been reading a couple of books on grief, and both of them talk about not being able to focus on anything and feeling tired all the time from expending so much emotional energy, which I could totally relate to. I feel it takes all my energy when I cry or am just feeling sad, but also to try to take a deep breath and move on with the day. Normal tasks are no longer easy and normal.

One man also talked about a real physical sensation of having cement blocks on your shoulders. I couldn't quite articulate that to myself or anyone else, but that is exactly how I feel. He also said he felt like he was constantly breathing very shallowly, and I also feel that, and find myself taking deep breaths every now and then after I realize I haven't been breathing normally. I never knew grief could affect you so much physically.

Holly is doing well and continues to tell us she is fine and doesn't miss Joe P. We know she does, but this is her typical answer. The one manifestation of her grief I see is that she has become very attached to me, which is fine. She started gymnastics class yesterday and absolutely loved it. I was so proud of her as she jumped on the trampoline and did her "bear walk" along the parallel bars. I think her favorite part was playing with the parachute at the end and getting to run underneath it.

Oh, and I mentioned in the previous post that it would be hard to see all the places at the beach where Joseph used to have fun. One of those places was the little fountain near all the restaurants in the village; Joseph used to jump around in it while we waited for our table to be ready. Well, as we walked past it last week I noticed that it was broken in the three places and there was an orange cone on top, which seemed very appropriate to me. If Joe P. can't play in it, then it should just be broken (so selfless of me, I know :)).

So, overall I think we are doing okay. Allen has been writing lots of beautiful songs out of his grief, which helps ease my sorrow too. I feel like God has been meeting me in nature--through being outdoors and just seeing his creation and beauty. In some situations words just are not enough, but I do feel He speaks very loudly through creation. In the song "Shout to the Lord" there is a verse that says "Mountains bow down and the seas will roar at the sound of Your Name." The Bible also personifies nature a lot, and I have never felt that nature truly does glorify and worship God as much as I do know. It is a very non-intrusive and gentle way that God is reminding me that He is here and that He loves me.

Off to the beach

Well, tomorrow we embark on our first family trip without Joseph. On one hand we are really excited and thankful we are able to go the beautiful beach and relax and have a change of scenery, but I am also fearful that everywhere we go will remind me of him and that it will just be sad being there. We have taken him there since he was 3 months old and we have many happy memories and favorite places we shared with him. I know it won't feel right going to the playground without him, walking past the fountain at the village without him splashing in it, riding in the tram without his indescribable glee. There is just no way around this sadness. I wish we could avoid it, push it away, not let it consume us, but it's just sad. That is all there is to it.

We are bringing some dear friends with us who also have children, so we are really looking forward to that. We told Holly, "Guess who will be at the beach with us??" and her little face lit up with hope and she said, "Joe P.?" Sweet Holly. She talks about Joseph all the time and has been expressing more that she wants Joseph to live back in our house again. I think she is realizing that he really isn't coming back. She is otherwise doing very well, and I am glad she is telling us her feelings and that she feels comfortable talking about him. But some of her sincere and innocent questions just break my heart into pieces.

She recently graduated from her crib to a "big girl bed" which she was beyond excited about. It's hard for me to believe that her next birthday will be number 3. She has always been the baby, but I have to get used to the fact that she is now the oldest and she is getting bigger. In fact, she is so big she has decided to ask God for her own baby to keep in her house (a pink baby--meaning a girl). She is really into playing baby dolls and has been for a long time, so I think she now thinks she's ready for the real thing. She is really nurturing and loves to take care of everyone, so I have no doubt that she will one day be an amazing mommy. But, here are some pictures of her reveling in her big girlness:

"Go CPA!!"

"I am way too cool for my little crib!"

"Ta-Da!! Wild Flowers!"

On the wild animal front, we have not seen any more snakes but we did have a skunk visit our air conditioning duct, so we now have a permanent skunk smell in our house. We haven't been using the air conditioning at all and have candles burning most of the time, so now the smell is tolerable. Always an adventure 'round these parts. We also have a squirrel and a cat that roam around our house, often peering in our windows forlornly. I'll let you know if they do anything exciting.


We are really looking forward to our vacation. Please pray that we would have a safe and fun trip and that God would give us peace and strength and comfort as we miss our little Joe P. God has been so good to us throughout this journey and we are so grateful for all the love and support so many of you have shown us. Thank you for being such great friends to us. We love you!

Victory in Death

"This website has shown me there is a lot of goodness in this world."

An anonymous person wrote this comment on our blog the other day. Remember, this blog is the story of a child who battled brain cancer for 9 months, only to die the day after his fourth birthday. And this person sees that there is a lot of goodness in this world from reading about this? How can that be?

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (1 Cor. 15: 55-57)

With God, everything is backwards. The reason is because of Jesus' death and his victory through death. We tend to think of death as the end, the final failure, the ultimate evil especially in a child's life. I know when Jesus died, his faithful followers couldn't believe it. THIS was the Messiah, the man who was supposed to save them and use His power to rescue them. But he died a gruesome death on a cross like any murderer or thief and left us. There was no miraculous rescue. He didn't call down fire from heaven to destroy his persecutors. What kind of victory is that? If that had been the end of the story, it would have been a bit disappointing. But the victory comes in on the third day. He came back. He was alive. He conquered death so that it wouldn't conquer us.

A friend of mine shared this quote with me from a book entitled My God and My All by Elizabeth Gandse:

"It is never the beginning of the story to say a child is born, nor is it the end to say a man has died, for long preparation leads up to every birth, and a death leaves behind it a power for good or evil that works on in the world for longer than the span of life from which it grew."

I think of Jesus' death and the impact it has had on the world the last 2000 years or so. We now have this incredible power for good because of his death and his Holy Spirit that he left in his stead. We would not have his Holy Spirit if he hadn't left us. We wouldn't have power over sin, fellowship with God and intimacy with Him, and the assurance of ultimate pardon. No one can take those privileges away because they are sealed with the blood of Jesus. There is also unbelievable evil, but we now have hope that this is not the end of the story. Jesus can redeem it, and he will redeem it, and he is redeeming it. (And he uses us to redeem it!)

One of the reasons we named Joseph "Joseph" was because of the Old Testament character (see Genesis 37-50). He is an amazing role model (not all O.T. "heroes" are) because of his response to suffering and injustice. His brothers basically kidnapped him and sold him into slavery and lied to their father, saying he was eaten by a wild beast. Years later, after a lot of suffering and more injustice, Joseph is given great power and authority by pharaoh because of his ability to interpret dreams. There is a great famine in the land and his brothers come to him (not knowing it is Joseph) to get some food. After some more lies from his brothers and the death of his father, his brothers are worried that they have finally put Joseph's patience to the limit. His response to them is just amazing:

But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
He could see through his own pain and suffering and separation from loved ones to the truth that it was God who put him where he was to work a greater good than his own happiness. Such amazing humility and trust in God!

I remember thinking what a gift it would be to have a child who grew to be a man of this kind of character. It turns out our Joseph didn't live to be a man. But in his short life I believe he showed many people the goodness of God and the goodness we are all capable of because of Jesus. The name Joseph means "the Lord will increase," and I just pray and hope that our Joseph's death will leave behind him an incredible power for good that will increase God's family and the number of people who trust in Him.

Snakes and other shenanigans

The newest member of our family

My hero

Apparently, snake-handling has now been added to my rapidly expanding repertoire as a mom. So, I was performing the glamorous and much sought-after task of unloading the dishwasher, keenly concentrating on matching the appropriate sippy cup lid to its proper cup. Feeling the satisfying exhilaration of completing this task, I then move on to picking up random toys that end up on the kitchen floor---today it was a toy snake. The tiny thought crossed my mind that we haven't played with many toy snakes lately as they were usually more Joseph's cup of tea than Holly's, but I reach to pick it up anyway. This is where the excitement begins. It doesn't FEEL like a toy snake. In fact, it doesn't really look like the fluorescent green toy snake we own. I quickly toss it back on the ground, hoping I'm being paranoid, then watch it slither over to my cabinet to try to hide, as I proceed to scream, hyperventilate, scream, fly into the next room to hide in a corner, scream.

This is my typical reaction when faced with any outdoor creature in my house---whether it be a roach, spider, bee, etc., so Allen strolls into the kitchen to save the day and see what has gotten me so worked up. (Thank you, Lord, that Allen was home!) When he sees that it is an actual SNAKE, he skips the screaming and shaking and puts a bowl over it to keep it from snuggling into one of our beds or something (while I cheer him on from the corner and caution him wildly to keep it away from me). So, after a few minutes of getting it trapped between a glass bowl and a cookie sheet, my hero takes it outside to go play with its friends.

My heart is still recovering from beating so fast. I'm not sure what kind of snake it was, but it was very small. It was either a juvenile black rat snake or a baby rattle snake. Please someone tell me this was not a rattlesnake. We looked up pictures on the Internet and it did look frighteningly similar to a rattlesnake.

I really think I handled this whole situation so well that some of you may want me to come over and help you with unwanted pests (please note the sarcasm). I'm just so glad Allen was here. Holly may have been permanently scarred for life if she had to watch me try to kill the snake (which was the only thing I could think to do).

In less exciting news, Holly is doing well. Many of you have kindly asked how she is doing, and we can honestly say she has adjusted to our new life surprisingly well. I know she misses her playmate, but she seems to really understand that Joseph lives with Jesus now and that he is up in heaven, playing and laughing with no more boo-boos. She definitely wants us to play with her more, whereas before she would either play with Joseph or entertain herself for a long time without us. We've been getting together with some of her little friends, which she loves, and Winnie Kate is visiting this weekend which is the best news her little ears could ever hear.

We, on the other hand, are missing Joseph a lot and feeling his absence more strongly as time goes on. In my head I know that he is happy, whole, fully alive and with Jesus, but my heart just wants to see his little belly, his joyful eyes, hear his hearty laugh, and of course hold his little hand. Today is 4 weeks since he died, but to me it feels like it just happened. It is still so fresh to me, the wound is still raw, and I don't feel like I've "moved on" at all. But, I'm okay with that and we are trying to let ourselves grieve and heal in our own time. I have heard that there is no timeline for grief and we are definitely experiencing that. It is also unpredictable. I can be doing fine, focusing on something else, then I see a picture of him and I just can't help but cry uncontrollably. I really don't like that--being out of control of my emotions, but I suppose there is no way around it.

We don't need anything, just continued prayers for strength and endurance and wisdom. Thank you so much for everyone who has sent us gift cards, letters, notes, and meals. We have been getting the most delicious meals each week, and it is so nice to not have to worry about it. Also, thank you to everyone who has donated to St. Jude or Rally Across America. I love getting those cards in the mail, telling us someone else has given in Joseph's honor. What a blessing!

I have recently come across the blog of a lady in Oregon dealing with end-stage renal failure (Kelli). Her link is on the right on our blog. My heart goes out to her so much, as she is going through this hard trial without much help or support. We could not have gotten through these last 10 months without the unbelievable help and support of our family and friends. After reading her story, if you would like to help her by sending her family a giftcard or money, please email me, and I will give you her contact information. Thanks!