This week last year

Well, it has been a year now since we found out Joseph had a brain tumor. It was this week last year, Thanksgiving was over and we had come home to Atlanta. All week Joseph had this strange head tilt that kind of came and went. He was always so quirky that I just attributed it to him being silly or something. I honestly was not worried one bit about it. He also had been a bit off balance, but that also didn't worry me since he was always a little clumsy. I could tell Allen was worried but was trying not to show it. He had checked his eyes to see if he had a reflex and his left eye did not blink at all when he flicked his finger in front of it. When he showed me that I became extremely worried. We took him to the pediatrician who was not sure what was going on, but referred me to an opthamologist. I was planning to bring him there on Thursday. But on Tuesday night Allen came home from work early (he was supposed to work all night at the hospital) and said his attending doctor recommended we bring Joseph in first thing the next morning for an MRI. I was pretty worried at this point, but Joseph was so happy and normal in so many other ways that I just couldn't comprehend that anything serious could be wrong.

That afternoon, before Allen went in to work, I had gone to Starbucks (something I did regularly whenever Allen was home and I needed a breather) and called my sister while I had some coffee. I was relaying to her what was going on and that we were going to take Joseph to the opthamologist. At this point I don't think we had decided to take him for an MRI. Anyway, about halfway through my conversation, a sweet lady who had been sitting beside me got up to leave. As she walked by, she dropped a little note onto the table and smiled at me. It read "I will be praying for your son." I couldn't believe it. It stunned me that I had been speaking that loudly (oops) for her to hear everything, and that what I had said prompted her to pray. This was my first inkling that something was wrong. I just felt it.

The next morning, we woke up the kids at 6:00 and headed to the E.R. While Joseph was in getting his MRI, I received a phone call from our dear friend B.J., who was calling to see if I would check in on his wife, who had recently lost her baby. I wasn't going to tell anyone we were in the hospital until we knew what was going on, but I felt like I needed to explain why I couldn't call to check on my dear friend who needed me. I think he was on his way to work, but he said, "I'm coming right over there. I know Allen is going to tell me not to, but tell him I'm coming." I realized at that point how scared I was, because I really was grateful he was coming to offer us some moral support. I had a feeling our world was about to come crumbling down and neither of us were prepared for it. I remember both Allen and I saying, "But it could be nothing; We'd hate for you to come all the way over here for no reason." But, God must have given him insight as well, because he came right over and waited with us.

When they wheeled Joseph back into our little waiting room, he was still asleep. I remember feeling like I might be sick. Then the doctor came in, who happened to be a man whose child Allen had taught when he taught 5th grade. We had house/babysat for their family when they were out of town and they had gone to our church for a while. We were so thankful to have someone we knew and trusted to give us this news. I still remember it as though I was watching someone else. The words were registering in my head; I could comprehend what he was saying--it just didn't seem real. How could there be a large mass in Joseph's head? How could it "probably be cancer"? How did they know that? I remember saying, "But, he's so little." Cancer happened to older people, not to children, not to my child. Then a few moments later I went outside to get some fresh air and cry.

Those few days, while horrific, were also such encouraging and sweet days. We could never have expected this news, but we also could never have expected the outpouring of love we received from friends and family and the community at Emory. Joseph got balloons and stickers, toys, treats, McDonald's, Moe's, cars, trains, all his favorite things. I still remember when all the aunts and uncles and grandparents showed up at his hospital room that he probably felt like he was the most special child in the world. Everyone was there to see him and love him and make sure he had everything he needed. We are so thankful for all the many, many people who served us and loved us and supported us during that critical week (and the ensuing months).

I recently read an article about a family in Ireland who lost their son to a brain tumor. They had no indication that he was seriously ill. They thought he had gotten a stomach bug, and after a few days of him not getting better they took him into the hospital. He went into a coma that day and died from the tumor that had grown so big without their knowledge. After reading that article, I realized how that could have been our story. If Allen had not noticed the serious issues with Joseph and if the doctors at Emory had not taken him seriously and gotten us in there quickly, we could have bounced around from opthamologist to neurologist before anyone thought it might be a brain tumor. There are so many people I have met at St. Jude's who said it took them months to figure out their child had cancer. I think in our case we wouldn't have had months and it would have been too late. So, I'm so thankful the Lord gave us 9 more months with him and that we got to see him grow up some more, really enjoy life and really enjoy spending time with grandparents and cousins and our family that loved him so much.

So, this Thanksgiving I'm thankful for my family I have here with me. I'm thankful for the four wonderful years of life I got to spend with Joseph and all the wonderful and special memories we have with him. I'm also thankful for the many ways God supported us and provided for us throughout this journey. I can honestly say I'm not scared of much anymore. Well, I guess I don't fear things as much because I feel like if we can get through this, then we can probably get through other things. To say I miss him just doesn't cover it. But his life has influenced me and Allen and Holly, and our family will always include Joseph. He is always on our minds and in our conversation and we regularly quote "Josephisms." Holly still imitates him and wants to be like him. I hope that never changes.

I'm still processing everything that has happened. One thing I'm learning, though, is that it really is best to be thankful for what you have. It can always go away. I could be bitter and angry that I don't have Joseph anymore, but what would that do for anyone? I have Holly, a wonderful husband, a sweet new doggy, an absolutely amazing family, and the sweetest friends in the world. I really am blessed. I think we all are in different ways. We just don't always recognize it.