Held

I am more of a do-er than a feeler. If something goes wrong, I want to do something about it. I don't feel it is right to just wallow and be sad and self-pitying. I am not saying this is right, but this is how I've been in my life until this point. And life has a way of kicking you off your rear most days and requiring you to keep going, which I am grateful for. The fact that my kids still need to get dressed, brush their teeth, have breakfast, go potty, etc. reminds me that life still needs to be LIVED, despite the death we fear is at our door. And, thankfully neither one of them fully comprehends the implications of Joseph's sickness, so they don't have the fear and dread that we experience and they cause us to laugh and play and have unspeakable joy due to their innocence and love.
However, this experience has taught me that feelings and sadness are such a vital part of life, and letting myself feel them does not mean weakness and wimpiness. It just means I am human. As a Christian, I do believe in God's goodness, faithfulness, tenderness and love towards me, but I can still be appalled at this tragedy in my life. As a mother, I can still care for my kids, discipline them, take them to playgrounds, yet all the while marveling that I have another day to celebrate their lives. As a wife, I still quarrel with Allen over trivial things, but I am getting to know my husband in a much deeper way, seeing his compassion, wisdom and deep deep love for his family that brings me to tears.
My tendency is to push away the tears and the feelings and get on with business as usual, but I am learning that if I will let them, these feelings bring about a deeper me, one who is more fully human.
All this to say that yes, my life would be a lot easier if Joseph were perfectly healthy and continuing his life the way he would have before cancer. But I know that God doesn't give us lives of ease; his main purpose is to make us more like Him, and if that means suffering then it is worth it. And I believe with all my heart that Joseph feels more secure and loved by us and by God because of this experience. The empathy and love I see in him are truly amazing.
I turned on the radio a few days ago and this beautiful song (Held, by Natalie Grant) came on that I feel like could have been written for me. It brought to the surface so many feelings that I had to wrestle with, and I could not get the words out of my head. These are some of them:

"This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow"

If you can somehow listen to it, I would recommend it. Not only are the words beautiful, but the music is too.
Thanks for listening to my ponderings. I'm sure you are wondering how Joe P. is doing. He is well and has started taking his interim chemo. So far, we have not seen any side effects, although he is taking anti-nausea meds 3x a day. He is playing a little but is not back to full speed yet. We have been going to Moe's a LOT (where he and Holly enjoy sitting by the door and yelling "Welcome to MOE's!!! at everyone who walks in). Target has become a daily activity and Joe's biggest complaint is that we already have all the cars and trains already! He still has some pain so he is taking ibuprofen to help with that. Please continue to pray for Joseph's healing and for God to sustain all of us and give us wisdom in decision-making and parenting. We return to St. Jude Aug 19-20 (Joseph's birthday!) for some more scans before we begin Avastin. Thank you, thank you for continuing to pray for our family!!