Happy Birthday, Joseph

This is the slideshow we made last year of Joseph's life. We've added one more song that Allen wrote, called "Back Home." (This isn't the official polished version as it is still in production, but the slideshow distorts so much of the music that you can't tell.) Thanks again to John Moessner who worked for peanuts.

Happy Birthday, Joe P.! We miss you more than words can say. One day we'll all be back home and what rejoicing there will be!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Joseph's Birthday

We are almost at what would be Joseph's 6th birthday. Allen and I really don't imagine much what he "would be like" now because it's just too hard to even do that. To us he will always be 4 years old. But I can't help thinking that this would have been a big year for him, starting kindergarten and beginning to be more independent of us. I can just picture him so proudly wearing a big backpack and bounding up to new children and charming them with his infectious laugh and mischievous spirit. He always wanted to include everyone and make sure everyone was happy and having fun.

For weeks I have been trying to prepare myself for these two days: August 20 and 21, but there doesn't seem to be any real way to make them better. To be honest, every day is difficult and in a way these days are easier because most of our close friends acknowledge that they are difficult and so we have support there. It is the random days during the year where we just feel down for no apparent reason and feel like everyone has forgotten him and forgotten that we miss him--those days can be the worst. But these two days are still hard as we have lots of memories that we relive and then there is just the pain of celebrating his birthday with his empty chair staring at us.

We do believe that Joseph is with Jesus now and that his life had purpose. There is no way we will ever understand why this happened to him and to us but we do know God is the same God he was before all this and He is still our only safe refuge. There just is nowhere else to find real peace. For a while after Joseph died I just couldn't talk to God much. Still believed in Him and knew He still loved me but there was nothing to say, to him or to anyone. I felt so deeply wounded. I think I tried to ignore him and retreated into my shell of self-protection or self-pity. It was just hard to accept that life was still happening outside of my pain. But after a long time of that I am remembering how much I really need God for this life and self-pity is a slippery slope that leads nowhere good. God has been faithful to meet me as I crack open that Bible (mostly the Psalms) and open myself up to Him. And I feel so encouraged as verses really apply to where I am in life and instill hope in me for the future. One Psalm in particular has been very comforting--Psalm 73. The whole Psalm is wonderful but the last few words have resonated with me: "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds." It is just good to be near God.

For Joseph's birthday we plan to go to his favorite spots again this year, have some cupcakes and send balloons up to heaven. If you would like to celebrate his birthday this way (sending balloons up), please do so. And if you get a chance to take pictures we would love to see them and maybe post them all on the blog.

Still here...

Well, I'm not sure where the last 9 months went! Having a baby can be pretty all-consuming, I guess. But June is almost 9 months now, Holly is 4 and summer is here. I am so thankful for summer and pool days and lots of sunshine. Here is Holly going to her last day of school:
:))



June playing with her "schoolhouse":


Both these girls continue to bring us lots of joy. It is hard work but oh-so worth it. June's little personality is really coming out and it is so interesting to see how every child even within one family is so unique. She is very sensitive and loves Holly. If Allen and Holly are playing and Holly screams laughing, June cries. She thinks Holly is hurt and gets very upset. We keep telling her, "It's okay, June. And we smile and say "yay!" but she still cries if she thinks Holly is hurt. And Holly is equally as protective of her (most of the time). I think she cannot wait till June is walking and playing with her on the playground. She is really careful to pick up tiny little parts to her toys "so June won't swallow them" and showers her with hugs and kisses. Many times these hugs have ended with June toppling, but the intention is sweet.

We still miss Joseph a lot. I was really distracted for many months after June was born and just didn't have time to grieve and be sad. But I think now it's hitting me again how much I miss him and wish he could meet June and be Holly's big brother, etc. Holly also misses him a lot. The other day she was saying how much she wanted to go up to heaven and bring him back and then he could never leave again. We finally decided she could draw him a picture and put it in an envelope with some candy and send it up with some balloons "to heaven." This really made her happy and she did enjoy doing it. As she's getting older she asks many many questions about heaven and dying. One book that has helped so much is "What About Heaven?" for kids. If you ever need a resource for children who are dealing with death and eternity this one is great. It asks a bunch of questions at the beginning of the book, then at the end answers them. Holly thought it was great that it never was night and always is day! She saw in one of the pictures that there was a bed in a kid's room and she asked a great question: "Why do they need a bed if it's never night?" She's always thinking!! If any of you have other good resources please let me know. I know she will continue to ask questions and we are going to need wisdom!

We are drawing close to Joseph's birthday (and the day he died) and that brings so many memories and emotions. I will sometimes go back and read through this blog to look at pictures and be reminded of certain things and I'm always blown away at how loved and prayed for we were throughout Joseph's illness. I have no idea why God caused so many people to care for Joseph and our family. We were (and are) so blessed. Thank you to everyone for showing us God's love in a very dark time.

Allen and I will celebrate 9 years of marriage tomorrow. I simply cannot believe what all life has brought us in our 9 years. We were looking through our honeymoon photo album and we were marveling at how young and carefree we looked (and skinny!). We had no idea what lay ahead of us. Lots of fun and great memories, but also a lot of sadness. But I am so grateful and proud to call Allen my friend and husband. He has been God's good gift to me throughout all the ups and downs. He has made wise and sacrificial choices for his family and I'm so thankful for that. We have had our fair share of struggles and hard times, but I have to say I'm still pretty fond of him. :) And he's still the funniest person I know.


This is how we feel at the end of each day (and after Holly's birthday party :)).

We Have a Winner!

Holly picked a number out of a toy pot, and the lucky winner is #17, trmills. That's you, Rhianna! Congratulations!! Rhianna is my dear friend and penpal so I am very excited that just maybe I will receive a letter on these gorgeous notecards (no, pressure, though!).

Thanks, Lynny, for another great giveaway prize!

Giveaway Time!

Well, my sister has again generously offered to do a giveaway, folks. She has gone back to school and has been busy acing organic chemistry (Yes, she's smart and beautiful...I try not to let it bother me) and other such classes, but I have begged her to not forget her first love: stationery. I think we can all agree that having beautiful stationery is a luxury a person should really try to not live without. :) And if it's free, it's even more beautiful!


So, here is your mission, should you choose to accept it:


Go to Lynn's newly designed website and pick out your favorite product and design and leave it in the comment section by Friday evening, May 14th. Please include your email so that I can contact you if you win!


The lucky winner will receive 25 of these beautiful Whitney English notecards (you may pick the design and personalize it):
There is also a section with personalized notepads for $4.75 in case you just need some or know a teacher who needs some. And, one more great deal is these personalized notecards for just $12 (They are listed as 50 for $60, but if you click on a card you will have the option to order 10 for $12).

Little Miss Personality

June bug turned 6 months this week! I know every mom marvels at how quickly their child grows, but I have to say it: I cannot believe she is 6 months old. I know the next 6 months are going to go even faster.

She has followed in Joseph and Holly's footsteps and is already crawling. She has become so full of personality lately and giggles and laughs at Holly nonstop. She is so happy. I picked her up from nursery the other morning and the sweet nursery coordinator said, "Is she always this happy? I'm sure she's not." But, most of the time she is. Here are some pictures of her royal cuteness :
All decked out!

Best friends

I like my thumb, but my toe will do.

On our way out on our biannual "walk the dog" (okay, we walk her slightly more than that--but not much).

We moved back to Atlanta about a year ago now and I was just looking back at our time here. It seemed like when we moved back the sadness was still so heavy on me. I missed Joseph so much...it just consumed every day. Now I have suddenly realized that it's not the same anymore. I still do miss him every day but it is not so all-consuming. I thought before June was born, "Having a baby is not going to make this all better. I am thrilled and blessed to have a new baby but nothing will replace Joseph." I even resented that people might think that I was all better because I was going to have a new baby and we'd moved on. But for me, June has brought a lot of comfort and healing and new joy. It's not all lilies and roses--I get tired and frustrated like every other mom, but I am so grateful I get to be her mommy (and Holly's). Having her really has helped me heal and I am so thankful for that.

Holly continues to love her and be very protective of her. She definitely craves one-on-one time with me since I'm holding June or feeding her a lot of the time, but she is always saying things like, "You're the cutest little baby in town," or "You are so beauutyful." Although the other day, after June had napped over 2 hours she started making noise and I got up to get her, Holly said, "Just leave her. I think she'll go back to sleep!"

I guess everyone loves attention. :)

A Place For Us

Ah, the brewing post. I'm not exactly sure what that post was going to be about. A lot of times I will have a thought going and think, "I need to write about this..." then 2 days later it's gone. So, I'm sorry to have led you astray. I did have one brewing but you are getting another one. :)

As you know, we were so very excited to be pregnant with June. For a while before Joseph died I was longing to have another child but for various reasons it seemed wise to wait. Then after he died the longing increased. Very shortly afterwards God answered our prayers and we were blessed with a baby growing inside me. In many ways this was my hardest pregnancy. I was already tired from all we had been through, then being pregnant just seemed to suck all the rest of the little energy I had left. I think I also just felt older and less resilient and then she ended up being a very big baby so I was pretty uncomfortable towards the end. But, none of that seemed to matter compared to the reward I was promised at the end: a precious little baby that we had waited for and prayed for.

We weren't very busy during that time. Allen was waiting tables and I was taking care of Holly but had lots of help from grandparents. I had a lot of time to myself and had time to grieve my loss but also anticipate this new baby. I dreamed of what he/she would be like and couldn't wait to find out what he/she was so I could start decorating the nursery. Then when we moved to Atlanta we had (have) a small room for her---one just begging to be transformed into "all girl."


I'll be honest. I went a little nuts decorating this room. Maybe it was part of my nesting process or maybe I was excited to test out my new hobby: sewing. But this girl got more handmade things from me than Joseph and Holly combined. I sewed blankets, burp cloths, pillows, chair covers, really anything I thought I might be able to do. The thing I love about sewing is that you can have a finished product within a couple of hours in many projects. Patience is not my forte so this definitely appeals to me.

We also painted the crib, the room, put up curtains, got out the sheets and blankets and somehow everything seemed to go together even though it was mostly a hodgepodge of things we already owned. For many weeks before June was born, she had a place waiting for her. And I mean, diapers, wipes, burp cloths, sheets, clothes. Everything was ready. (Which is so not normal for me, by the way. With my other two pregnancies I was not even close to being this prepared and I don't anticipate ever being this prepared again.)

So as I sat in that room the other night with my almost 6 month old, I looked around the room and remembered when she wasn't in there with me. I would love to peek in and think with excitement that soon there would be a baby in the crib; soon there would be clothes in the laundry hamper and toys on the floor. But more than that, this room was full of June before she was even there. All those things I made or picked out or laid out were all there with her in mind. I was picturing her in that bed, her in those clothes, her in the rocking chair with me (boy, I hope she likes the colors!). She had no idea what all I had done for her before she was born. She was not aware of the stuffed animals or blankets or burp cloths that were all there for her. She was just born, and all this stuff is hers.

Which finally brings me to the thought I had (thanks for bearing with me!): God does this for us. For us, who are so often oblivious to the work He has done on our behalf, the sacrifice he has made, the joy he feels that we are His children. He carefully made each one of us, thought about what we would look like, be like, sound like. And He goes ahead of us and prepares a place for us in heaven. If I (and so many mothers), in my limited, sinful, human state can put loving thought and excitement into decorating a nursery, how much more skill and love and preparation must God put into the place He has prepared for us. I, for one, cannot wait!

This is purely my own imagination, but I started thinking that maybe this life we have on earth is just the "womb." God knits us together, teaches us, forms us to be more like Him, then death is our real birth into real life where our real room is ready for us. Not to minimize the life we have on earth. We all know how delicate and important the formation in the womb is. Our life here matters, but maybe it's just as C.S. Lewis says "the title page." The real story is yet to come.


"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."

John 14:1-4

Happy Birthday, Holly Bear!

Hey! Remember me? Joseph's mom? The lady who occasionally used to update this blog? It's okay if you've forgotten...it's been a long time. I do have a post brewing in my head but it may have to wait till next week.
Today is Holly's 4th birthday. Very hard to believe. We are so grateful for this little bundle of joy and look forward to another wonderful year of Holly! Here's a little "through the years" of Holly bear.
4th Birthday

3rd Birthday

(close to) 2nd Birthday

1st Birthday

Newborn

Winner Winner!

The lucky winner from the giveaway is #17, Allyson. You can contact Lynn directly to pick out your two cute sets of notecards. Thanks, everyone, for participating.
Merry Christmas, and have fun shopping. Has anyone out there already finished? I started mine last weekend, but I still have quite a few more left to buy.
In fact, I think I might have to buy some of those notecards...

Giveaway!

This is another 48 hour giveaway! If you didn't win last time, here is your chance to win some more beautiful stationery. My sister is generously giving away 2 sets of darling notecards (of your choice) from Hen & Barley Press (one for you and one for a Christmas present to a lucky loved one). These cards are so reasonably priced and make great gifts for teachers or babysitters or anyone, really. They also ship very quickly.


Here is what you could win:



or

I just love these!! There are many more gorgeous designs on the website. To enter the drawing just visit here, then come back and leave a comment saying your favorite design. On Thursday evening I will pick a winner from everyone who left a comment. The lucky winner will get to pick two sets of notecards. If you don't win and decide you want to order these as Christmas presents, you have until December 14 to receive them in time for Christmas.

Happy Shopping!!